Written By: Liner Nuñez
Her Spirit was trying to return into her body, to feel, to understand. Her body explained to eight year old Nina that it is safe for Spirit to come back. “We no longer live in the same house as our rapist.” Body said, “We can close our eyes and sleep, we can feel, because pain is not the only emotion our body carries.” While Spirit was away, Nina et Anger. Anger taught Nina that rape is not okay, that she matters. Anger said, “Unlearn the silence your family taught you to keep; it is unfair to your Spirit.” “I am tired of feeling broken,” Nina told Anger. “I do not see you that way,” said Anger, and Nina looked at her like she was crazy. Isn’t Anger living with me? Does she not see how I cry every day? How some days I can’t even move, how my mind and body just freeze when anything is too overwhelming?
“You are not broken,” repeat Anger. “This is who you needed to be, who you were to survive. When your mind and body disassociate, Spirit leaves your body for survival. Your body was lovingly allowing Spirit to leave so you could feel the least pain possible. Do not resent your body. Your body will keep Spirit away until Spirit can feel safe in her body, away from consistent danger.”
After Anger’s visit, Nina slowly understood her body had protected her. She was not a victim because she wanted to be –she was forced to be. She has always been worthy of love. Anger helped her understand boundaries exist and how they were violated. Anger invited Spirit back into Nina’s body, slowly introducing her to Peace.
As Spirit became present, Anger parted, and Nina no longer felt her body in its usual fighting stance. Her body was no longer rigid from pain, no knots, no tightening grip. In confident safety, Peace allowed her body to let go, to trust, and to speak.
Liner Nuñez Bio: I am an AfroLatina Womanist from the Dominican Republic. Holding a B.A. in Gender Studies, I dedicate most of my time to transforming silence into action. As an act of interrupting and undoing gender based violence, I created Mi Vivaporu, a blog dedicated to nurturing one’s niña interior, because loving yourself as a woman of color is revolutionary.